Commitment Phobia

Do you find yourself in a relationship you enjoy and find meaningful and then your partner begins to talk about next steps, such as possibly moving in together or getting engaged...and you suddenly want to pull back or change the subject?  Does the idea of committing to spend the rest of your life with someone terrify you and yet you really care about this person whom you have been dating?
You may want to consider some individual counseling to discover what childhood experiences are driving your fears and how to overcome them. 
You don't have to be alone and you CAN find ways to have a meaningful, long-term relationship. 

Couples Communications Tips

Individuals often ask about how to communicate more effectively in their relationships with family, especially their partners.  All it takes to decrease stress in relationships is the willingness to apply these tips described by my colleague, Donne Davis, founder of the GaGa Sisterhood, a group where Grandmas brag, bond and benefit. See which ones at which you excel!  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/donne-davis/communicate-with-spouse_b_4759885.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp#sb=3720191b=facebook      

Relationship Nurturance

Imagine this...

Your wife and you have just arrived home after an intense day at work where nothing went well.  Your boss assigned you another stressful project, and your wife mentions there's going to be another round of layoffs.  What happens next?

You head to freezer to grab a frozen pizza and then go turn on the ESPN channel.

You take a very deep breath, give your wife a big hug, take her computer bag, set it down and lead her over to the sofa and say, "Honey, what do you need?  How can I best support you?"

This is relationship nurturance at its best.  Are you up for it?

Positive Communication

Do you notice how you communicate with yourself?\
  
"You'll never get this project finished on time."  
"Your boss is going to find out you don't know what you're doing."
"You're going to get a poor performance review if you don't figure things out!"  

Would you say some of these remarks to a friend and expect to keep the friendship?  Of course not!  Challenge yourself this week to catch yourself when you make self-critical statements and change them to encouraging comments.  You'll be amazed at how much more confident you'll feel!  

Tips for Influencing Your Partner

Couples often come in with fantastic goals...for their partner. I usually respond with, "You know, I have had great goals for my husband throughout our marriage and have failed miserably at getting him to change...unless he wants to. Besides, do I REALLY want to be responsible for him, too?!" I then let them in on a little secret. Influence is much more effective.

State Senator Joe Simitian recently presented some tips for successful advocacy to the Santa Clara County Library Forum which I think apply quite well to successful couple relationships. The #1 tip is to develop a relationship.

So, consider this. When you nag, blow up in anger, go behind your partner's back, "forget" to take care of the things you agreed to do, is that going to be an effective way to nurture your relationship? Think about it and email me at ann@annlstevenson.com describing the ways you successfully influence your partner to support your requests.

How's Your Sex Life?

A recent article in the New York Times
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/03/22/sex-and-the-long-term-relationship/
begins with the question: "Are you happy with the frequency of sex in your relationship?" While most couples acknowledge the importance of a sexual relationship, few couples know to talk about it except to complain there is too much or too little. Here are some tips to start the conversation:

• Think about your ideal sexual relationship
• What brings you pleasure?
• What doesn't feel good?
• What would you like to try?
• Be willing to share your ideas with your partner.
• Even more important, be open to hearing your partner's thoughts.
• Try something new that appeals to both of you.
• Have fun! After all, sex can be playful.

Is Verbal & Emotional Abuse REALLY abuse?

When clients are struggling with self-esteem, I frequently ask, "What messages do you give yourself?" Here are some responses: "I don't count. I never make good decisions. My wife/husband says, 'You're so stupid!'" All of these statements are examples of put-downs designed to exert power and dominance.

Click on this link to learn more:

www.mercurynews.com/ci_15615989?IADID=Search-www.mercurynews.com-www.mercurynews.com&click_check=1

By learning to recognize verbal and emotional abuse, you can develop strategies to combat it. Working with a counselor can help you work through the issues, regain your self-esteem and heal.