Healing After An Internet Affair

Sally came into my office in tears. “I can’t believe you did this to me and then lied about it.” Jim looked down and then away.

Sally told me Jim had been visiting chat rooms and sending emails to other women. She had found an email he sent to one of these women suggesting they meet for lunch. When Sally first asked Jim about it, he said it was related to a work project and he had sent it from home late one night so he wouldn’t forget to follow up. As Sally and Jim had built a strong bond of trust during their marriage, she soon forgot about the email.

A few months later she glanced at their cell phone bill and saw a number of calls to a number she did not recognize and decided to dial it to see whether there had been a mistake in the phone bill. When she heard the woman’s voice on the message, she hung up. She confronted Jim that night; initially, he brushed it off as a customer he had been contacting. When Sally asked why there was no business message on her phone message, Jim finally confessed to having met her on the internet but denied they had ever met in person. They had a big fight and slept in separate bedrooms.

I listened to Sally’s anger and hurt and then turned to Jim. “Are you still in contact with this woman?” “No, I sent her an email at Sally’s insistence and told her I did not want her to contact me any more.” “Has there been any contact since then?” “No,” Jim said. “I don’t believe you,” Sally said. “How can I ever trust you again?”

Jim turned to me. “I don’t know why I did this and then lied to Sally. I do want to stay married. We have 2 kids we both love, and I don’t want them to be hurt.” Sally added, “I want to stay in this marriage, too. Jim and I have too many years together to throw it all away and the kids would be devastated. All our friends think we have the perfect marriage. I just don’t know how to get over my anger and hurt.”

I knew I had my couples counseling work cut out for me. It would require time and work before trust could be rebuilt and Sally and Jim could have a close relationship.

Some of the steps I begin with in marriage counseling when there has been an affair are the following:

• Ask Sally to write a list of things Jim could do to regain her trust, such as giving her access to his email and cell phone records.
• Help her express her angry, hurt feelings to Jim without sarcasm and attacks.
• Help Jim identify the reasons for the affair and what made it possible for him to deceive Sally.
• Apologize.

These and other steps in couples counseling will be important to rebuild a successful and, hopefully, stronger marriage.