Don't Tell Me THAT!

"Mike has been withdrawn lately. When I ask him what's going on, he says he has a lot on his mind. I worry I've done something to make him mad."

You might conclude that Sue would be very relieved if Mike would just tell her what's going on. After all, most of us would rather know than live in uncertainty. Well, that depends.

Mike may be thinking about changing careers, re-locating away from their families, talking about the infrequency of sex in their relationship, feeling depressed, or other changes. While Sue proclaims she wants to know, how will she respond when Mike starts to open up?

If Sue wants Mike to avoid talking to her about topics that will affect both of them, all she has to do is not listen and begin reacting, "How can you even think about moving the kids and me away from our families?"

If she can take a deep breath and appreciate how challenging it is for Mike to open up, she might respond differently. "It sounds as though you are worried about how we're going to be able to send the kids to college and retire if we stay in such a high cost-of-living area. I imagine it would be hard for you to leave your family, too." This kind of "listening resiliency" invites and encourages more conversations between them.