Playing Doubles

When couples come in for counseling, they are often fighting over and over about the same issues without any resolution. Each is complaining about and wanting the other person to change.

Clearly, these couples are playing an ineffective "singles' tennis game." Both are often competitive with their partner about who is wrong or the "most wrong." They spend most of their time and energy trying to figure out how to "get through to their partner."

The first step is to stop blaming their partner that the tennis game is going badly. The second step is to be willing to see what their contribution (notice I did not say fault) is and experiment with more effective ways to communicate and relate. Then they can build competency in a wide variety of couple relationship skills.

Often I will suggest they might even want to try "doubles." They can use the best of each of their strengths, discuss and support their vulnerabilities, and have more fun playing together. Talk about synergy!